07 November 2008

Goodbye Diana (Could you send my love to Ma?)

This week the mother of a dear old friend of mine passed away after nearly 5 years of fighting leukemia.

She is at a place I remember all too well. The beginning of a journey no one wants to take. The beginning of the road of discovering who you are, alone – without your mother. Perhaps losing a parent is when we truly grow up. Or, really, when we’re forced to grow up.

Some days I still can’t figure out how I’m going to get through it all without her. The fact that I can’t pick up the phone to share an observation, a joy, a sorrow, a dilemma, a milestone… it makes me feel… – Shit! I don’t know what it makes me feel like. I can’t find the right word. But, dammit, she’d be able to help me define this feeling! She’d help me talk it out and pull myself through. So, FUCK! Even more than 3 ½ years later I’m still floundering. Maybe not all the time, but, just… dammit. Just when I think I’ve got my shit together I feel myself falling off the edge again. Some days I shatter and can’t put the pieces back together, I can’t pull myself back and my throat tightens and… I find myself in a knot again. Poor, poor me. Like I’m the only one who ever lost their mother. This just sucks.


I wish Jenny didn’t have to start her journey now. Ever. Maybe she’ll get through it better than I have done so far… Maybe I can learn a lesson or two...

5 comments:

She She said...

My 80 year old father told me recently that he still thinks of his mother everyday and misses her. She died 26 years ago. Forever is a long time to be without someone you love. I can't imagine.

noble pig said...

Oh I'm so sorry for the loss, losing a parent is tough. My father passed four years ago and it's still a giant void.

Krysta said...

i can't even imagine.

melissa said...

Can I come hug you? Your friend is lucky to have you because she knows you know how she feels... No words need to be spoken

K2 said...

MamaGoose...you describe so well the ache and all of those indescribable feelings of loss. It does suck. But having (or being) a good friend makes a big difference. I know.