08 August 2008

It's Just a Number, Right?

For the first time in my life I am beginning to feel older. Not old, just older.

I'll be 45 next month. Wow. I said it. I don't know why it sounds so frightening to me. I certainly don't look or feel "old". And 45 isn't old! The rational side of my brain reminds me that age is relative to how you feel and act. I don't act "old" - aside from the fact that I can't stay awake past 10 pm any longer.

I remember freaking out about turning 30. I didn't really have anything of significance to show for three decades on this earth and I truly thought I needed to be somewhere "better" by that age. My boss at the time told me that upon turning 30 I would feel like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders - that I would finally become my own person and not have to prove anything to anyone.

Surprisingly he was right. I'm sure it was because he had put the notion in my head, but I let out a very heavy breathe on the morning of my 30th birthday; one I had been holding in a long, long time. And I felt amazingly renewed. I loved my 30's.

These last 15 years have flown by. Much has happened: Jobs have changed. People have come and gone. (some thankfully, others still painfully missed) Most importantly, I met the love of my life and have found my purpose in my two beautiful boys. I am happy where I am in my life, but I just don't like the fact that I don't feel like I'm 19 anymore.

Why is 45 any different than 44? I've got a month to come to terms with this. I better get busy.

6 comments:

melissa said...

When I was turning 30, it didn't bother me at all. Now I'm turning 40 in November I'm a little nervous. I don't feel 19 anymore. Maybe it has something to do with having a child I will be legally able to drink with in October. Maybe not.
I have to look at it this way. No I am not able to to what I did at 19 BUT I am so much better now. I have 4 beautiful children a husband and a home. I love going to bed at 10:00.

A Buns Life said...

Perhaps because it is one step closer to that next age bracket? Every 5th year b-day seems more monumental than the others for some reason...

noble pig said...

It's not different but i also fel life slipping away. It seems there is too much life to live in the amount of time wea re given!

Maeve's Mom said...

The only birthday that has ever bothered me was 27. I suddenly felt like I was in my late-twenties and had to be a "real" adult. Since then birthdays haven't been any big thing. But, I think bunslife is right, sometimes the 5's (35, 45) are more noticeable than the decades. I think it's great to reflect on how good your life is at this age, rather than how far you are from 19. Also, hooray for 10pm bedtime!

PicaboMama said...

Age numbers have not been much of a bother to me so far (I am only 31), but I am vexed to be passing out of the "wow, she's accomplished so much in so little time" phase of my life (not that I've done anything to warrant that statement). I guess I'm still bitter that I never got to be a child prodigy.

FishermansDaughter said...

Hi - Found you through a comment you made on Melissa's blog - I'm going to be 45 in Feb; was freaking out and feeling bad about it till I heard a piece on NPR(another thing that comes with maturity, limited tolerance for pop radio...) about all the awesomeness there is to bein a grown assed woman - we rule - but I have a feeling you'd figure that out on your own. Then I also heard Sharon Stone is "dating" a 25 year old - PARTY ON!!!