For the first time in my life I am beginning to feel older. Not old, just older.
I'll be 45 next month. Wow. I said it. I don't know why it sounds so frightening to me. I certainly don't look or feel "old". And 45 isn't old! The rational side of my brain reminds me that age is relative to how you feel and act. I don't act "old" - aside from the fact that I can't stay awake past 10 pm any longer.
I remember freaking out about turning 30. I didn't really have anything of significance to show for three decades on this earth and I truly thought I needed to be somewhere "better" by that age. My boss at the time told me that upon turning 30 I would feel like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders - that I would finally become my own person and not have to prove anything to anyone.
Surprisingly he was right. I'm sure it was because he had put the notion in my head, but I let out a very heavy breathe on the morning of my 30th birthday; one I had been holding in a long, long time. And I felt amazingly renewed. I loved my 30's.
These last 15 years have flown by. Much has happened: Jobs have changed. People have come and gone. (some thankfully, others still painfully missed) Most importantly, I met the love of my life and have found my purpose in my two beautiful boys. I am happy where I am in my life, but I just don't like the fact that I don't feel like I'm 19 anymore.
Why is 45 any different than 44? I've got a month to come to terms with this. I better get busy.