17 February 2009

The Track

My funk is still there. No - Right here wrapped around me like an old sweater that really should have been thrown away a long time ago.

Last night my husband asked me if I was okay. He said I didn't even seem like I was here. Is it time to find someone to talk to?

Wow. How's that for a wake up call?

Here I was thinking I was the Stealth Bomber - doing a good job of hiding the fact that maybe I was dealing with a pesky little bit of depression. Guess not.

It's time.

The forced smile I put on for the sake of the boys isn't fair. To them or to me. I'm finding there are a lot of contributing factors - I'm finally beginning to name them. The stink of this funk has gotten too ripe and it's time to send it down the drain with the dirty bathwater.

The track always leads back to the same place: Despite several go 'rounds to convince myself otherwise, I dragged my ass out of bed at 5:00 this morning and got on the treadmill. Recent attempts at getting back in to a routine have been tough to keep up. (Damn Christmas cookies!)

I know I am better when I'm exercising. I know this. It really is amazing how a measly 30 minutes can clear the cobwebs and point your day in an entirely different direction.

And as far as finding someone to talk to? Well sorry, I hope you don't mind, but for now you're it.

It's time to refocus on what makes me happy and to find a way to quiet the sulking, sad, "boo-hoo for me" little girl who has forgotten how to take care of herself. Perhaps the longer days might help a bit too.

"Shit a cat's ass it's good to see the sun again." - from Judevine by David Budbill

Gotta get the glitter back. It's time.


K2 said...

High time indeed! Anytime you need a shoulder or an ear, you KNOW, I am here.

Here comes the sun, here comes the sun, and I say it's all right

Little darling, it's been a long cold lonely winter
Little darling, it feels like years since it's been here
Here comes the sun, here comes the sun and I say it's all right

Little darling, the smiles returning to the faces
Little darling, it seems like years since it's been here
Here comes the sun, here comes the sun and I say it's all right

Sun, sun, sun, here it comes...
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes...
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes...
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes...
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes...

Little darling, I feel that ice is slowly melting
Little darling, it seems like years since it's been clear
Here comes the sun, here comes the sun, and I say it's all right
It's all right
-The Beatles

She She said...

If the exercise doesn't do it, please don't be too reluctant to get some outside help. I think people are more likely to put off getting help for depression than they would be any other medical illness. You wouldn't walk around with a limp for more than two weeks without seeing a doctor, right?

And kids are such little sponges. You can try to fake it, but they know. (I speak from experience.)

Kelly said...

I'm sending you glittery good thoughts right now.

Auds at Barking Mad said...

I almost waited too long to get some help. Granted it's been a year now that I've been in therapy and my depression was preceeded by PTSD but over time, I think its been helping. That and writing...always with the writing.

And yeah, I totally hear you about the sun. I was amazed to look at the clock today, a little before 5PM and notice that it wasn't pitch black yet. Roll on Spring!

carsick said...

Longer days are comimg!
Talk to me anytime baby!!!!!!!!!!
Talk to someone, though I'm free...

Maine really bites the big wet soggy hairy ass this time of year.
I'm feeling it to.

ChristineM said...

Sorry to hear that dreaded funk is still hanging around! Take that step and go talk to someone...sometimes all it takes is a sounding board and learning some coping skills, and the weight is lifted.

Or so they tell me...I haven't actually made that appointment myself. I just like to tell others what to do! :)

Seriously, good luck, and if it's any comfort at least you can know that you are not alone! :)

FishermansDaughter said...

"This" is something I have personal experience with at the clinical level over most of my adult life - in my experience, adhering to a daily routine; regular early rise time, daily exercise and the addition of morning exposure to Sun Box full spectrum light has been instrumental in helping me make my way back and keep "this" at bey. One of the most difficult things about "this" is garnering the motivation to DO anything. I've had the best results committing to the routine for short periods - one day at a time - as they say. Not experiencing the desired lift after a couple days was always an indicator that I needed more and it was time to get me back to a pro. Hope you're feeling better soon. Hang in there Bubbie!!!

noble pig said...

I am so glad you finaally said it. I could hear it in your voice for so long now. You will be fine and will get through it. Get some help, it will be so worth it.

Familia said...

a big hug to you!

The Sour Kraut said...

I know a late arrival, but I have LOADS of experience with depression. My husband has major depression and I have (I think) very mild seasonal 'blues'. Anything you want to talk about? I consider myself a good armchair psychologist.