11 August 2009

I Can

I can’t remember the last time I had a good night’s sleep.

I’m wrestling with too much right now.

Change is in the air and I really don’t do too well with change. I’m a Virgo, so I try to have everything in its place. I need to have control, but there are just too many unknowns right now and it’s driving me c r a z y.

It started with a little snowflake and now feels like an avalanche.

A friend passed away two weeks ago. She was only 32. My heart is broken for her and her family and her 18 month old son. My heart breaks for my boys because her twin sister is was the primary caregiver at their daycare and, as we suspected, is leaving our center to take over her sister’s daycare. R is the only main reason we are still where we are… I can keep them there, BUT:

Owen is supposed to start Preschool next month.

R was going to transport him and her son to and from this two hour, two day a week, not made for working mothers’ preschool and now it looks as though this won’t happen. I don’t want to pull him out. I can’t. He needs preschool. I think it would help his speech SO much. AND he’s been SO looking forward to it.

So I looked around and found another all day preschool that actually looks better and, if I enroll him full time, would be cheaper than the other two combined. BUT, if I remove him from our current daycare, I don’t think the owner will react very well. She’s a bit of a bwitch. We’re already cutting her paycheck significantly as next month Finn is starting Kindergarten and I really don’t have an alternative to his before and after care. I work from 8 – 5 and he doesn’t get on the bus until 8:45 and school ends at 3:00. Even though the owner is hardly ever at the daycare, I’m afraid she’ll make life very difficult for Finn – or tell us she can’t take one without the other. (Yeah, she’d do that)

On top of this dilemma I worry about Finn. I’m so excited for him to start school and be exposed to new things and people, BUT:

What classroom will he be in? Will he be okay on the bus? He’s staring school in a cast. Will the other children be nice to him? Will he be too much of a goof-ball? How will we juggle everything?

By the end of the day I am exhausted. I’m scared of things I don’t have any much control over. So I fall heavily in to bed and fall soundly asleep; for about an hour. Then the tick of the clock taunts me for the rest of the dark night…

Can someone please tell my brain to shut the hell up?!?

Writing this down helps. I re-read these words and it all seems so insignificant. I know we’ll manage, but I just want to do.the.right.thing. I’m so afraid of making a bad choice and then having to dig out of the deep hole.

I remind myself of what Goethe said, “Just trust yourself, and then you will know how to live.”

I must. I will.

I can.

15 comments:

Sweet Familiar said...

Nell,

I'm so sorry about your friend. That's heartbreaking. And it sounds like you do have so many things at loose ends. Such a hard time of year to begin with -- so many changes and transitions -- and then to add your other burdens to it must feel overwhelming.

About the daycare, you need to do what's best for you, your family, and your boys. The owner isn't your responsibility. You know she'd do what's best for her business before she considered your boys.

And Finn is going to be fine, fine fine. It's always so much harder on mom when they start school. Really, he's going to love it.

I wish I could help you out. I know how isolating it can feel when you have so much responsibility on your shoulders.

-Alesia

natasha the exile on Mom Street said...

Geez Nell, cut yourself some slack!

NONE of your concerns sounded insignificant to me. There are many things up in the air for you right now, and you have grief thrown into the mix as well. That's a tough cocktail for anyone to swallow.

You will make the right choices for your family based on the knowledge and experience that you have right now.

Are there decisions that I've made over my life (especially in the last few years) that I would change if I could based on the knowledge that I have now? Hell yes!

But I didn't have that information, and so I had to work with what I had. It's just how life (unfortunately) is.

I KNOW that you'll make the right decision because you're not taking your responsibility as decision-maker lightly.

Your boys will be fine, and so will you.

Especially if you take your advice to me and camp out in the bathtub with a drink!

Merrily Down the Stream said...

Girl - you are singing MY tune. I know when I start spinning (my term for it) it is usually has more to do with ME than any of the decisions I have to make. I tend to get anxious (!!!!!!!!!!!!) and lose confidence. I agree with Alicia and Natasha - choose what's right for you and your boys. And if some decision doesn't turn out make other arrangements. We act as if all decisions are absolutely final. I had a friend who recently semi-retired to Hawaii - she wanted too but was driving herself crazy - I told her to come back of it didn't work out. I think it is when we don't feel like we
have options that we feel paralyzed. Sleep easy Lovey.

Kelly said...

I hope you can sleep soon. I know how awful a fretful, busy brain can be.

Familia said...

oh dear - big hugs to you. so many things to take care of at once. and the virgo curse along with it all.

would it help if i said that i have made several bad choices choices so far on the schooling front, and everyone has survived?

is there a before and after care program at the kindergarten? that might be a good option -- pull them both out of the cranky care giver.

you deserve a nice cocktail this evening.

K2 said...

You must and you will do what is right for you and your boys. Once you've thought through all your options you will simply do the thing(s) you need to do, and it WILL be just fine.

It's awful how badly we can beat ourselves up when we don't have the answer in the moment we conceive the problem - you wouldn't beat up your friends or family for working through the options so try not to treat yourself that way. So think it through, assess and evaluate and ask and consider all your options. The answer is there. And you will find it.

Now...on to you. Are you spending as much time and attention taking care of you as you are your wonderful and beautiful boys? It sounds to me like you need to give yourself a break, pamper a little (who sugested that glass of wine in a nice bubbly tub? Sign me up!) and try to relax. Do the things for yourself that you would do for a friend in need. Most of all be kind to yourself. Because seriously, you can't take care of them if you don't take care of yourself too. If I could I would tickle your arm until your dropped off to sleep....sweet dreams sis.

Mama Goose said...

THIS is why I am here. Thank you so much for all of this wonderful support. I love you all like sisters. (and my real one even more. xoxox)

sitting on the mood swing at the playground said...

I'm so sorry about your friend. You've got so much going on right now it's no wonder you're spinning. Take deep breaths and know that you'll get everything worked out.

On a much lighter note...stop by my blog...I've got an award for you.

Trisha said...

Things will be okay. Everything will work out as it is supposed to work out. I will be thinking about you - and praying that you get some sleep!

carsick said...

Geez Nellie May, I feel so selfish.
I'm so sorry that you have so much hurt and confusion in your life right now. I'm so sorry you lost a friend.
Are there any other kids in your neighborhood? Maybe a stay at home mom that could take Finn in the morning and after school that could use some extra cash? Also , check with the school and see if they might know of someone. Also, make sure you join your PTO/PTA. I'm very sure once you meet some other moms that have children Finn's age things WILL fall into place.
As for your little guy, he needs to be where he'll grow. No buts about it.
Sometimes it is hard to be a mom. You are a great one.
PS. I took time off of work when Chrissy started school and followed the bus to and from for a week. The school wasn't a mile away:)

Tracey - Just Another Mommy Blog said...

Sorry about your friend. That is so incredibly tragic...

The little things will all seem so trivial in a few years. Not that they aren't worth losing sleep over, just that I wish we could all (myself included) release the stress they give us TODAY.

FishermansDaughter said...

Whoa. That's a shite sandwich if I ever read about one.
When I start spending too much time in my head the best and only thing that helps alleviate the "spins" are distractions; i.e. riding, running, reorganizing a closet (granted that choice not in the top 3 in real life), list making, etc. Something that consumes me/zones me out, followed by something that makes me feel in control. I'm right in line with the other "sistahs" on the doing what is right for you and the boys with day care. It's a biz-nass - if the owner can't hang with your choices, your money is just as green someplace else. ((HUGGSS))

Audrey at Barking Mad! said...

Nell,

I am so very sorry for your loss.

I'm also sorry you have to worry about the care of your children at a time like this. It makes me sick the people who run some of these places (the Montessori that Gaby is in doesn't like that I am reducing the time she spends there) and are responsible for our children can be so petty at times. I understand that they have a business to run, but right now- in THIS economy? They should be grateful for the children we do entrust them with.

Deep breaths mama! Your mind will calm down eventually and things will be clearer...and when you get a chance, lets have coffee?

Kim said...

I feel for you.

It is SO hard to juggle everything...not to mention, all this while dealing with such a loss.

My prayer is that the way will be made clear to you and that you can sleep in peace at night.

Um...Amen (?).

Such Lovely Freckles said...

A door closes, a window opens. Somehow things will work themselves out. They always do. I am a virgo too. I know how you feel. I need to be in control too, or I'll feel crippled. I am genuinely sorry for your friend and her family. It doesn't seem right or fair. Sending you hugs... and good vibes... for what it's worth.