I’m wrestling with too much right now.
Change is in the air and I really don’t do too well with change. I’m a Virgo, so I try to have everything in its place. I need to have control, but there are just too many unknowns right now and it’s driving me c r a z y.
It started with a little snowflake and now feels like an avalanche.
A friend passed away two weeks ago. She was only 32. My heart is broken for her and her family and her 18 month old son. My heart breaks for my boys because her twin sister
is was the primary caregiver at their daycare and, as we suspected, is leaving our center to take over her sister’s daycare. R is the only main reason we are still where we are… I can keep them there, BUT:
Owen is supposed to start Preschool next month.
R was going to transport him and her son to and from this two hour, two day a week, not made for working mothers’ preschool and now it looks as though this won’t happen. I don’t want to pull him out. I can’t. He needs preschool. I think it would help his speech SO much. AND he’s been SO looking forward to it.
So I looked around and found another all day preschool that actually looks better and, if I enroll him full time, would be cheaper than the other two combined. BUT, if I remove him from our current daycare, I don’t think the owner will react very well. She’s a bit of a
bwitch. We’re already cutting her paycheck significantly as next month Finn is starting Kindergarten and I really don’t have an alternative to his before and after care. I work from 8 – 5 and he doesn’t get on the bus until 8:45 and school ends at 3:00. Even though the owner is hardly ever at the daycare, I’m afraid she’ll make life very difficult for Finn – or tell us she can’t take one without the other. (Yeah, she’d do that)
On top of this dilemma I worry about Finn. I’m so excited for him to start school and be exposed to new things and people, BUT:
What classroom will he be in? Will he be okay on the bus? He’s staring school in a cast. Will the other children be nice to him? Will he be too much of a goof-ball? How will we juggle everything?
By the end of the day I am exhausted. I’m scared of things I don’t have
any much control over. So I fall heavily in to bed and fall soundly asleep; for about an hour. Then the tick of the clock taunts me for the rest of the dark night…
Can someone please tell my brain to shut the hell up?!?
Writing this down helps. I re-read these words and it all seems so insignificant. I know we’ll manage, but I just want to do.the.right.thing. I’m so afraid of making a bad choice and then having to dig out of the deep hole.
I remind myself of what Goethe said, “Just trust yourself, and then you will know how to live.”
I must. I will.