31 May 2008

What I'm Listening To

I've been discovering a lot of new music lately. Not necesarrily "new" music, but new to me. I'm really digging http://www.pandora.com/ where you can type in an artist or song you like and it will play songs of a similar style. Here are some of my new favorites:

Alexi Murdoch
The Decemberists
Dolorian
Midlake

These are all a little moody (then again, I'm pretty moody) but I'm discovering all sorts of new stuff. I'm looking for some more upbeat stuff for the treadmill now. Any suggestions?

30 May 2008

13 (!?!) Things About ME???

Oh dear. The wonderful sheshe tagged me and I'm frightened beyond words. I've never done this before. (Sorry it took so long!!) Should prove to be pretty boring... Sorry.

1.) I grew up in a tiny town (Pop. 400) in the Adirondack Mountains of New York.

2.) There wasn't much "fun" for kids to do so we started experimenting with booze and drugs at an early age. Thankfully, I got a lot of that out of my system early. I'm still amazed that I didn't kill or injur myself.

3.) My parents sent me away to boarding school. Because it was the late 70's I think many of my teachers were more interested in smoking pot than my education. I really don't think I was well prepared for college.

4.) I wasn't ready for college at 18. Because it was the early 80's I think many of my professors were more interested in snorting cocaine than my education. I really don't think I was well prepared for a career. I studied architectural preservation. I work in Information Technology. Go figure.

5.) I was extremely fortunate to be able to travel around South East Asia for several months after college. It was a life altering trip and I am sad that I will probably never have an opportunity like that again.

6.) I love to people watch.

7.) I hate to be late and think people who make me wait are horrifically inconsiderate.

8.) There isn't a vegatable I don't like. Spinach was the number one request when we were growing up.

9.) My kids hate vegatables.

10.) My first born son arrived when I was 40 - my second son came at 42.

11.) My mother never got to meet my second son. She died of cancer at 69. I miss her so much it's painful.

12.) I started writing to try to deal with my grief after my mother passed away. It doesn't really work for me. Somehow it just makes me sadder. Kind of like picking a scab. WTF? Isn't writing supposed to be cathartic?

13.) I'm a scab picker.

See? I told you it would be boring.

23 May 2008

My Baby

How can he be two?

Just yesterday I was cleaning his umbilical stump and tending to my very sore perineum.

Everyone says that time flies when you have children. I just didn't think it would be this fast.

Happy birthday my sweet boy.


22 May 2008

What a Difference a Day Makes

It's amazing to me what a difference a little purposeful thinking can do to a poor attitude.

I'm in a much better place today than I have been all week.

Of course the moon is no longer full and I have a brand new bottle of Midol PMS in my medicine cabinet!

But better yet, MY SISTER and her family are coming to visit for the weekend!! I ADORE my sister and I'm SO excited to be with her. I can't even remember when we last saw eachother. Was it the weekend we all drove halfway to meet up in NH and I spent the night on the bathroom floor of our hotel throwing up? Yeah. THAT was a joyous and memorable visit.

This one proves to be much better. Bring it on!

21 May 2008

Grumpapotomus

I don't know if it's the moon phase of That Time of the Month, but I've been a little short with the boys this week. I've raised my voice more times than I'd like to admit. And last night I did something horrible. Beyond horrible. Not only did I yell at Finn, I stormed away from him and slammed a door behind me. I immediately realized what an ass I was being and ran back to appologize to him, but the damage was done. He was crying.
No. Sobbing. How unfair of me! How selfish of me! He doesn't understand why Mama is acting like this! Hell, Mama doesn't understand why she's acting like this! What an idiot I am.

I grabbed him and hugged him as tight as I could crying "I'm SO sorry baby. I'm SO SO sorry."

The great thing about my 4 year old is that he forgives quickly and unconditionally. "That's okay Mama. Can you turn the TV on please?"

I read something yesterday about a woman in her late 30's struggling through therapy still trying to get over what her parents "did to her" as a child. She didn't go in to many specifics, and I'm assuming it was much worse than just being yelled at. But it made me think about how my actions, my impatience and short temper will affect my children over time. I don't remember either of my parents ever yelling at me. I'm sure they did because I was a pain in the ass, but I don't have any hauting memories of it. Most of the time I think I'm prety even keeled. But it's those moments of darkness that I need to work on.

For today, I promise to make extra time for the boys to do what boys need to do. Turn over a rock to look for the bugs. Go down the slide just one more time. Pick more dandelions. Nothing's more important than these beautiful creatures that love me almost as much as they love turning over rocks and splashing in puddles.

19 May 2008

He's a Natural

Every Friday night I ask Finn if he knows what tomorrow is.

"A family day?" he replies.

"Yes, but what else?"

"Swimming lessons!!" he squeals with delight.

At first he was hessitant about getting in the water.

Now he won't get out.

16 May 2008

Potty Mouth

While visiting Dan's family in Massachusetts last weekend, Auntie K asked Finn if he'd had a good birthday and asked him to tell her about his bowling party.

He looked at her, crossed his arms to his chest and growled.

"What's up Goose?" I asked.

"I don't like Potty talk!"

Apparently we need to visit more often. He isn't used to her thick Massachusetts accent and dropped R's. Bowling Pahty...

I howled.

15 May 2008

Brothers

These two. Man. I'm often at a loss for words. They love eachother like nothing I've ever seen.

As much as I won't admit that I secretly wished for two boys (OK, I did), I am so incredibly thankful that they have eachother. I hope this bond they have only gets stronger. Though my sister and I live many miles away and often don't talk to eachother for weeks at a time, she is my strength. She understands my soul. I know she'd drop everything and come to me if I needed her. There's so much that we don't need to say. We just understand.

I pray these two beautiful creatures have the same kind of love for eachother always.

14 May 2008

Picnic

We had an impromptu picnic at the Duck Park last night after school. It was such a glorious night and Robbie asked if we'd like to join her and her boys at the park. We packed a picnic for the kids and grabbed the bag of PB&J crusts for the ducks and headed over. The boys were beyond excited and chased the seagulls and picked "wishing flowers" (aka dandelions gone to seed) and made secret prayers before blowing them in the breeze.

This is what I wish for them to remember on a gray and gloomy day long after I'm gone. The memories of my mother are with me always.


William, Owen, Ben and Finn

13 May 2008

Self Image

I remember years ago when I lost 20 pounds or so someone saying, "WOW! You've lost a LOT of weight!!" My response was, "Gee, I didn't think I was THAT fat."

I've never really thought of myself as being "fat", but I've never been skinny either. OK, maybe for a few months while I was traveling in SE Asia - but I quickly gained it back once I stopped lugging a 40 pound back pack around. Man I miss those days...

When I quit smoking 8 (EIGHT!!!) years ago, the pounds started creeping on. Then I had two babies and I forgot to make time for me and I got fat. It's hard to rollerblade with an infant strapped to your chest. And probably a little dangerous too, huh?

Anyway, now that Owen is nearly 2 (TWO!!!) it's time to get serious. Being 44 and 40 pounds overweight is NOT a good thing. I love these two boys of mine more than anything in the world and I can't stand the thought of not being around to see them grow up because I didn't take care of myself. I want them to be proud of their Mama. Hell, I want to be proud of their Mama.

And so far, I am. Since April 7th, I have walked/jogged on the treadmill every other day for 30 minutes - rain or shine; pms or Mother's Day. I'm doing it. Watch me go.

I know this sounds incredibly selfish, but I really want someone to notice that I'm losing weight.

01 May 2008

I can hear her. It's faint, but I can hear her.

"Hooray! Hooray! The first of May..."

God how I miss her still...